Little Old Lady from Wauwatosa

(Parody of “Little Old Lady from Pasadena” by the Beach Boys)

It’s the little old lady from Wauwatosa

The little old lady from Wauwatosa

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Has a pretty nasty case of halitosis

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

She used to hang all night in the village

Before they ever thought to build the Harmony Bridge

And everybody’s saying that there’s nobody cooler

Than the little old lady from Wauwatoosa

She likes to cruise down Highway Hundred

She’s the terror of Jackson Park Boulevard

It’s the little old lady from Wauwatosa

She always wants the Raiders and Trojans to play fair

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

She used to love shopping at a place called Mayfair

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Well, she’s gonna go to the Highlands sooner or later

And she yells at Flatlanders: “Aina hey der!”

And everybody’s saying that there’s nobody cooler

Than the little old lady from Wauwatoosa

She likes to cruise down Highway Hundred

She’s the terror of curvy Swan Boulevard

It’s the little old lady from Wauwatosa

~Instrumental~

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

~Instrumental~

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Liberace tried to buy the Austin Mansion

And she used to go golfing at a course called Hansen

And everybody’s saying that there’s nobody cooler

Than the little old lady from Wauwatoosa

She likes to cruise down Highway Hundred

She’s the terror of Grantosa Boulevard

It’s the little old lady from Wauwatosa

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

Go Gilles, Chancery, and TosaFest now

By Paul J. Hoffman

May 24, 2007

Alka Seltzer

When I eat all my dinner,

I go back to the back of the line

and I wait for a chance for more food to buy

Till I get to the cashier and I order more chicken, yeh, yeh, yeh

Roast beef, green beans, banana cream pie

I’m stuffing down fast and I’m gonna cry

Give me, give me, give me C’mon gimme some relief

I can’t be your lover when I’m in such grief.

Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer, yeh.

Corn dogs, cheese logs, spaghetti with sauce.

It’s coming up fast and I’m gonna barf

Give me, give me, give me some relief

Well, I like raw fish but it don’t like me

Plop, plop!

Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer

Plop, plop and hear it fizz.

When I eat all my dinner,

I go back to the back of the line

and I wait for a chance for more food to buy

Till I get to the cashier and I order more chicken, yeh, yeh, yeh

Big lunch, little midnight snack

It’s coming up fast and my tummy’s a wreck

Give me, give me, give me some relief.

I tried Pepto Bismal, but I’m still quite dismal.

Plop, plop!

Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer, Alka Seltzer

Look out, Alka Seltzer

It’s bubbling up fast, yes it is, yes it is

I’ve got acid in my stomach!

Lyrics by Paul J. Hoffman

5-4-1989

Parody of The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter”

Your Smelly Farts

Your smelly farts, they make me cry,

They smell so bad, like something died.

What did you eat, what did you drink?

That made your butt, fill up with stink?

When gas comes out, you leak methane,

You may explode, if you’re near flames.

You clench your cheeks, to try to stop.

Your smelly farts, from going plop.

Sometimes they’re loud, sometimes they’re not.

But either way, they really rot.

You’ll never sneak, up on me, too.

Your smelly farts, will tell on you.

Words by Paul J. Hoffman (Oct. 5, 2006)

Original song: “Your Cheatin’ Heart by Patsy Cline.

Here’s an explanation of this one:

This guy I know was a DJ on an oldies station (Gold), then abruptly left to be a DJ on a country station (Hank). He loves food, and had recipes posted on these radio stations’ Web sites. One of the recipes was for a concoction called “Kitty Litter Cake,” which I am told ends up looking just like a box of kitty litter that has been used by the cat (think of tapered Tootsie Rolls and you get a clue). I am so sorry.

Kitty Litter Cowboy (Tribute to Scott Roddy)

(Parody of Mel Tillis’ Coca-Cola Cowboy)

You used to spin all that gold

But “Records” got sort of old

And you got an offer you could not refuse

So you left Johnson County

And got a job downtowny

Playing country music on Hank in the afternoon

And we say….

(Chorus)

You’re just a Kitty Litter cowboy

You got a goofy laugh and Webster’s big ol’ ears

“When You’re Hot You’re Hot” hangs on your office wall

And eating carrot cake brings you to tears

You know you’re never alone

Cause you take requests on the phone

And you let your listeners vote on “Hank or Stank”

You put recipes online

And it don’t cost a dime

To find out how to make Kitty Litter Cake

I say….

You’re just a Kitty Litter cowboy

You got a goofy laugh and Webster’s big ol’ ears

“When You’re Hot You’re Hot” hangs on your office wall

And drinking peach milkshakes brings you to tears

Guitar solo

We say…

You’re just a Kitty Litter cowboy

You got a goofy laugh and Webster’s big ol’ ears

“When You’re Hot You’re Hot” hangs on your office wall

And eating anything brings you to tears

Yes, eating anything brings you to tears

Lyrics by Paul J. Hoffman

Sept. 5, 2006